Thursday, August 20, 2009
It's been a long time, old friend. Let me catch you up since I last posted! After I got laid off and went to Vegas with my mom, I did the following things IN this particular order: sat around in my front yard in a bathing suit a lot, went to a fair - nay, a SUPER fair - in Orange County, watched MAMMA MIA, got a new job at Columbia Pictures, wore Juicy-brand terry cloth sweatpants on a red eye for the first time in my life (a cardinal fashion sin I've yet to stop self-flagellating for), fell asleep briefly on a bench outside the U.S. Capitol building, walked the halls of the Senate Offices in summer white pants and (by D.C. pearl earrings standards) "loud" jewelry, went to a wedding at a place in Virginia straight out of Dirty Dancing, went to an ironic not-quite-a-strip-joint-strip joint in a Soccer Mom-gone-wild ensemble of a skirt with sailboat blueprints on it and a purse-shaped locket containing photographs of my grandparents in the 80s, and - just last night - launched into a self-righteous rant in favor of Universal Healthcare. There. I think that's everything.
Much like my old roommate Lale whose brain often had to catch up with how rapidly her mouth moved when she spoke, I'm going to make a halting, off-putting effort to get up to speed. I'm going to take it one post at a time, and I'd like to begin with a little ditty about my fifth trip ever into Orange County, where signs welcoming you into various towns read, "Est. 1961 A.D." That's right. Down the 405 they do things a little differently - In the Year of Our Lord style.
My good friend Manless Dogless in LA (you may know her if you are a reader of the blog I ____ L.A., or if you are a dude living out of his car, a wimp hung up on his ex, a pro football player with no sense of how to conduct yourself at a Grand Lux chain restaurant, or any other relative disaster for womankind) was all, "Let's get Tears for Fears tickets! They're coming here July 17th!" And I'm like, "Yeah! I love 'Break it Down Again'! Dukakis for President! Get it? That's a DONNIE DARKO reference! Wooo!"
Cut to July 10th or so when I receive the Ticketmaster email reminding me of the show details. Location: The O.C. FREAKING Super Fair in Costa Mesa. What? That is by no means "here" - Tears for Fears is not coming "HERE"! But ManlessDogless and I were doing this...and if we were going to a SUPER fair, we were going down in a sober food coma hot mess (we totally succeeded there - I could barely drive home I was so gross). But aside from the greasy pretzels the size of my torso, the deep-fried twinkies, and the "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," we happened upon a fashion nightmare extravaganza! If I felt like a business casual frump before, this place had me feeling like Anna Wintour. I wish I had video of myself because I'm pretty sure I might have been prancing around with pride simply for not wearing overall shorts. Let me "Break it Down Again" for you all...
EXHIBIT A in my case against (or for?) the O.C. Super Fair (photos courtesy of Manless Dogless):
Hey kids! Did you think airbrushed articles of clothing went out of style in the 1980s/with the shuttering of your local roller rink? Well think again! Whether you're proud of your Drill Team or of your same-sex commitment (please see the photo of me in my "Gomez hat" above - look just to my right), say it with airbrush!
Now how can that even be safe? What are these "shoes" made of - paper and staples? At 3 pairs for $20, I wouldn't be suprised to learn later that they take years off your life, like carcinogens. I guess another interpretation of this sign is that for $20 you get three shoes - not three pairs. As though the discount were the result of a factory mistake where you get a left, a right...and then another left...of a pair. Needless to say, we didn't explore further to find out.
Yeah - see, you're thinking, oh Business Casual you're so mean. Clearly these three girls either just got off work at the local Strawberry, where they had to wear the new summer line, and didn't have time to change for the Super Fair, or they are out for a night of bachelorette hijinks and decided to dress alike...but see, here's the thing. THIS WAS THE FIFTH GROUP OF PEOPLE IN MATCHING OUTFITS THAT WE SAW. FINALLY Manless Dogless managed to catch it on film. And I'm not talking like, a group of people all wearing matching family reunion shirts, I'm talking full on plain clothes MATCHING OUTFITS.
AAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I mean - wha - huh - why - ARRRGGHHH? Make it stop! (Basically, I know I don't have any kids, but this CAN'T be the way you sell baby clothes. This turns my uterus very, very cold.)
Where's PETA because THIS is animal cruelty. I'm embarassed for zebras eveywhere. And I've seen zebra print clothing before - I'm from New Jersey. But this...this...this. I know what you're thinking. "Did she do it? Did she make the purchase? How could she not have with the price absolutely SLASHED like that?" All I'm saying is "maybe," and if you are in my extended family you MIGHT be getting this as your gag gift at Christmas.
And to be fair, let's take a crack at old Business Casual herself. Nice white boat neck Polo sweater with ruffled kelly green colored shirt underneath. Did I mistake the O.C. Super Fair for the 19th Hole? It was a miss in my attempt to dress younger and cooler, clearly. But I sacrificed my honor - and now my identity I guess, yeesh - to bring you the horrors...of the O.C. Super Fair. You're welcome.